"Life has its own agenda."
“Never trust a guy who fumbles for the check.”
"You know, my mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention."
“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”
“In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”
“I’m the boss, Mommy is only the decision-maker. There is a difference. Mommy says what we do and I have control of the channel changer.”
“Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.”
“You have to go to the eye doctor and get happy glasses.”
“The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
“Show business is dog-eat-dog. It’s worse than dog-eat-dog, it’s dog-doesn’t-return-other-dog’s-phone-calls.”