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“I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”
“During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew.  We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”
“I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.”

“I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.”
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