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“Her nose was so high, she’d drown in a rainstorm.”
"Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming."
“It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the drawing on the floor.”

“What do you call cheese that's not yours?  Nacho cheese.”

"It wasn't the apple in the tree but the pear on the ground that caused all the trouble."
“Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'.”
“I’m kind of psychic.  I have a fifth sense.  It’s like I have ESPN or something.”
"Why are hurricanes named after women?  Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and your car."
"I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever be just, like, whelmed?"
I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's MY fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was HIS fault I was stabbing him.”
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