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The 50 Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time

CaineWhat one finds funny, another finds off-color or out-of-touch.  With this truth in mind, we offer up our favorite 50 funny quotes from films over the past years.  We prefer lines that make you laugh, even if you haven’t seen the movie.  We also prefer one quote rather than a dialogue to set it up.  It doesn't matter if the film is funny, only that the line is. From over 80 years of funny quotes in film, here are our 50 favorites.

1.   “There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other
      people's cultures and the Dutch.”
      Goldmember (2002) – Nigel Powers (Michael Caine)

2.   “I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults
      that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?”
      The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

3.   “I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.”
      Spaceballs (1987) – Barf (John Candy)
4.   “I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I
      remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese
      sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say...”Hey! Look at
      The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

5.   “We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The
      only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear that's coming
      History of the World Part I (1981) – Comicus (Mel Brooks)

6.   “Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Caribbean cruise, where we can hold
      hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old
      Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.”
      Brain Donors (1992) – Roland T. Flakfizer (John Turturro)

7.   “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty
      Bananas (1971) – Fielding Mellish (Woody Allen)

8.   “Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The
      winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed ‘some kind of
      Meatballs (1979) – Tripper (Bill Murray)

9.   “There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your
      flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
      Airplane (1980) – Elaine Dickinson (Julie Hagerty)

10. “Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.”
      Basic Instinct 2 (2006) – Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone)

11. “Time wounds all heels.”
      Go West (1940) – S. Quentin Quale (Groucho Marx)

12. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.”
      What About Bob? (1991) – Bob Wiley (Bill Murray)

13. “For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let's be co-people.”
      Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) – Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)

14. “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
      elderberries.  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
      Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) – French Soldier (John Cleese)

15. “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd?  Let’s get the flock out of here.”
      Lethal Weapon (1987) – Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson)

16. “God gave men brains larger than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at
      cocktail parties.”
      Hackers (1995) – Kate Libby (Angelina Jolie)

17. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
      Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) – Cliff Stern (Woody Allen)

18. “Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or
      something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.”
      Dumb and Dumber (1994) – Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels)

19. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my
      A Night at the Opera (1935) – Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx)

20. “I’m kind of psychic.  I have a fifth sense.  It’s like I have ESPN or something.”
      Mean Girls (2004) – Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried)

21. “Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face.”
      Steel Magnolias (1989) – Truvy (Dolly Parton)

22. “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
      Animal House (1978) – Dean Wormer (John Vernon)

23. "A jester unemployed is nobody's fool."
      The Court Jester (1955) - Hubert Hawkins (Danny Kaye)

24. “Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.”
      The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay)

25. “Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”
      City Slickers (1991) - Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal)

26. “When women go wrong, men go right after them.”
      She Done Him Wrong (1933) – Lady Lou (Mae West)

27. “To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.”
      A Mighty Wind (2003) – Mark Shubb (Harry Shearer)

28. “Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.”
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)

29. “I don't date these girls because they're well-read. I gave one of them a copy of
      "Farewell to Arms". She thought it was a diet book.”
      The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) – Henry Fine (George Segal)

30. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
      The House Bunny (2008) - Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris)

31. “If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
      Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

32. “Do you know who I used to be?”
      The Producers (1968) - Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel)

33. “I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I
      looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)
34. “You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.”
      Animal Crackers (1930) – Captain Spaulding (Groucho Marx)

35. “If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike”.   
      Patch Adams (1998) – Patch Adams (Robin Williams)

36. “When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three.  When the middle one 
      got in the way, God performed surgery.  Woman stood before God, with the middle breast
      in hand.  Said, ‘What do we do with the useless boob?’, and God created man.”
      A Prairie Home Companion (2006) – Dusty (Woody Harrelson)

37. “I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split
      personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.”
      Zelig (1983) – Leonard Zelig (Woody Allen)

38. “During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew.  We were
      compelled to live on food and water for several days.”
      My Little Chickadee (1940) – Cuthbert J. Twillie (W.C. Fields)

39. “I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
      So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) – Charlie Mackenzie (Mike Myers)

40. “I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens.
      If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.”
      A Night at the Opera (1935) – Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx)

41. "Normally, someone would have to go to a bowling alley to meet someone of your
      Arthur (1981) - Hobson (John Gielgud)
42. “Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.”
      Klondike Annie (1936) – The Frisco Doll (Mae West)
43. “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.”
      Naked Gun 33 ½ : The Final Insult (1994) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

44. “You know, my mother never had time for me.  When you're the middle child in a
      family of five million, you don't get any attention."
      Antz (1998) - Z (Woody Allen)

45. “I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's my
      fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was    
      stabbing him.”
      Living Out Loud (1998) – Liz Bailey (Queen Latifah)

46. “Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C.
      on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all
      be put out on K.P.”.  
      Good Morning Vietnam (1987) – Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams)

47. "I'm Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States.”
      An Inconvenient Truth (2006) – Al Gore (himself)

48. “I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But once in a while can't you choose
      someone else?”
      Fiddler on the Roof (1971) – Tevye (Topol)
49. “Don’t ever hit your mother with a shovel.  It leaves a dull impression on her mind.”
      Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) – Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman)

50. “Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi
      and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'”
      Keeping Mum (2005) – Rev. Walter Goodfellow (Rowan Atkinson )

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